That moment when can't ignore that voice in your head anymore.

I've suffered from a Anxiety disorder for quite some time 2008 I think when my doctor first picked it up, turned out I have something called Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Its not the greatest, Its quite upsetting seeing a symptoms list and seeing you match 98% of them Its not nice being branded with something but at the same time you have to acknowledge you have and deal with it. I was once given a councillor in 2009 didnt really work, tried several techniques and in 2009 I was put on Valium for about a year and by the end of 2010 I was put onto Citalopram which turned me into a mentally vegetated state, left with vague emotion and immense paranoia. The Citalopram drove me once to go to Brighton at 5 in the morning, ended up wandering the south coast all day. Anyway in 2011 after much deliberation and concern from my closest friends I decided to go cold turkey off the medicine with as it was destroying my soul, I still suffer strange long term effects from the meds I have a horrific personal space problem now I've lost count the amount of times I've ended up cowering in a corner.  I found the best way to relax was cycling, and in March 2012 I started cycling, It was brilliant I think it gave me sense of escapism combined with the exposure to elements it took me to another relaxed state of mind. I get the same feeling when riding the motorbike but 10x greater. 

Anyway I was going through my pictures on my macbook and I found this, I took this just after I had had a panic attack. I've been trying for years to capture the emotion behind one of my panic attacks, normally at the time I don't have a camera near by or think about, but fortunately this time my camera was beside me. As you can see in the photo I loose near enough all emotion and I'm overcome with sadness, disappointment and remorse, I loose near enough all contact with the real world as my mind just plunges deeper within it self and I blank out completely and just stare into an unknowing oblivion its a little bit like the 1000 yard stare. When after those uncomfortable moments pass the front of my head becomes over whelmed with a pounding sensation which can last hours.

I thought I'd write about this as recently I've been having 1-2 panics a day now and I'm starting to fear I'm going to go through a heavy wave of the GAD again, which I suppose is kind of expected as I've got to find a new place to live again within 4 weeks, that and find a new job so I can afford to live. On top of the lack of family support I have and my partial love troubled heart. 

Well its time to finish this, I hope I have enlightened you somehow into my little world of mine.