A Homeless Life

Every time I see a homeless person it overwhelms me with the ghosts of my past

It takes me back to one of the lowest points of my life to date, That time when I wasn’t sure where I’d be sleeping that night, Those nights where you force yourself to stay awake as you wait anxiously from one of your friends if you can crash on their floor. It was a horrible time luckily at the time I had a terrific circle of friends and I became a permeant fixture on a few of their floors, but on a couple of occasions I was left with no where to go and ended up asleep in a corner of a car park curled up next to my motorbike, It was a vile part of my life and three years on I’ve still not got a permeant adress I’ve still got a mother that has disowned me. Luckily then I had good circle of friends but now I have hardly any as most people have drifted away I mean if this happened again I wouldn’t know what to do saying that now I have a girlfriend who I love ever so much and a best friend who has become a brother to me.

You don’t realise how important 4 walls are to you until they are taken away from you, I still don’t feel happy knowing where I live now is still on a temporary thing, the lose of your personal space and a place to call home can cause an incredible amount of grief to yourself. The only thing I’ve learnt from this ordeal is that its not good to be materialistic, I mean I’ve moved nearly 10 times in the last 5 years and all I have to my name is my camera, a motorbike, a bicycle, some clothes and a laptop. I can fit my life into a boot of a car with room to spare. I've learnt to cherish the world for what it is because of it all.

The guilt I feel when a homeless persons asks for some change is awful I feel like a terrible person as I can’t help them and I have been helped so many times before. I really wish I could do something more worthwhile but alas I am in not fit financial state  to help. I’d like to think one day I could use my love of photography to help raise more awareness of homelessness, as the long term effects are the most unpleasant, I still live in fear of not knowing where I’m going to be living in the next few months and I’ve developed the most vexatious of anxiety disorders which is on a day to day basis is very difficult to live with. 

James. 

1. PIcture 1: A homeless man I photographed in London
2. Picture 2: The morning after I slept in a car park
3. Picture 3: What I looked on a daily basis in 2009 grey, tired and ever so thin

That moment when can't ignore that voice in your head anymore.

I've suffered from a Anxiety disorder for quite some time 2008 I think when my doctor first picked it up, turned out I have something called Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Its not the greatest, Its quite upsetting seeing a symptoms list and seeing you match 98% of them Its not nice being branded with something but at the same time you have to acknowledge you have and deal with it. I was once given a councillor in 2009 didnt really work, tried several techniques and in 2009 I was put on Valium for about a year and by the end of 2010 I was put onto Citalopram which turned me into a mentally vegetated state, left with vague emotion and immense paranoia. The Citalopram drove me once to go to Brighton at 5 in the morning, ended up wandering the south coast all day. Anyway in 2011 after much deliberation and concern from my closest friends I decided to go cold turkey off the medicine with as it was destroying my soul, I still suffer strange long term effects from the meds I have a horrific personal space problem now I've lost count the amount of times I've ended up cowering in a corner.  I found the best way to relax was cycling, and in March 2012 I started cycling, It was brilliant I think it gave me sense of escapism combined with the exposure to elements it took me to another relaxed state of mind. I get the same feeling when riding the motorbike but 10x greater. 

Anyway I was going through my pictures on my macbook and I found this, I took this just after I had had a panic attack. I've been trying for years to capture the emotion behind one of my panic attacks, normally at the time I don't have a camera near by or think about, but fortunately this time my camera was beside me. As you can see in the photo I loose near enough all emotion and I'm overcome with sadness, disappointment and remorse, I loose near enough all contact with the real world as my mind just plunges deeper within it self and I blank out completely and just stare into an unknowing oblivion its a little bit like the 1000 yard stare. When after those uncomfortable moments pass the front of my head becomes over whelmed with a pounding sensation which can last hours.

I thought I'd write about this as recently I've been having 1-2 panics a day now and I'm starting to fear I'm going to go through a heavy wave of the GAD again, which I suppose is kind of expected as I've got to find a new place to live again within 4 weeks, that and find a new job so I can afford to live. On top of the lack of family support I have and my partial love troubled heart. 

Well its time to finish this, I hope I have enlightened you somehow into my little world of mine. 

A fear concurred.

So Friday night was all set to be a quite night in, highly due to the fact of having 0.15p in my bank account, 11p in my wallet and limited petrol.

But anyway I was invited to go down to the ace cafe in London, this seems to be quite a tradition within my little community of mates with bikes. I reluctantly declined the invitation, after much persuasion I compromised with my friends and managed to hitch a ride in my friends car down to the ace thus solving my petrol dilemma. My friend who would was going to be meeting us at the ace late that night told me to take my bike gear with me and he would take me back to Welwyn on the back of his bike I found this highly irresistible and slung my bike gear in the back of my mates car and off we toddled to the city. (yes we were going to a bike night in a car) any as proceedings followed I saw numerous bikes do several wheelies and watch our mate who followed us down on his bike get pulled by the police.

Around 10:45 my mate/ chauffeur arrived on his big bike (see picture) in all honestly I was crapping myself I have a massive fear of giant cc bikes just the whole insane and brutal acceleration. Come 11pm I jumped on the back of the bike and prepared for a whole new bike experience.

Well from leaving the ace to the first set of traffic lights I was in shock and fear of how this bike effortlessly accelerate to 70. But after about 30 mins I loved every single second of it! Any way we plodded around the city bathing in all of beauty of London at night. Before we knew it was 2:30am and it was time To head home and hit the big open motorway. This is was what I slightly dreading and more overpoweringly what I was looking forward to. We manoeuvred ourselves out of the city and before you know it we where on the a1 heading for the A1(M) this is when everything changed and oh my, my world was turned up side down and I was travelling just over 140mp my entire body was under immense strain and i was holding on for dear life! And I was in shock and for every second of it I was either laughing in joy/fear or smiling in pure ecstasy of the speed and the acceleration.

All and all this experience has helped cure my anxiety of giant bikes and there speed. I’d do it all over again! It was one of the most funniest and thrilling things I’ve ever done.

James.

Just a ramble about my career

I've been with my present employer nearly 8 months now. My hours are pathetic and my pay is even worse. I started as a weekender working in the stock rooms, I grew very bored of this very quickly due to have small the stock rooms and levels where, no real challenges there. I ended up nagging to be till trained so I could help on the shop floor in my spare time, eventually I they gave it to me so that was all very well. I was still on my measly 12 hour contract, so I was still miffed with that, So after two months I decided to change rolls and applied to be a visual merchandiser with no real background or knowledge of visual merchandising, I charmed my store manager with my can do attitude and bundles of creativity, I got the job which added an extra 20 hours to my contract, So all an all I was working full time which was lovely. I had 2 and a half glorious months back at full time work, which felt briefly like normality, Working up to 3 jobs a week in the store defiantly kept my mind of annoying dire housing situation (another story) but for reasons unknown my store manager reduced my hours from 32 down to 20, for some reason I don't think she liked the fact I was working two jobs, god knows why as it was no burden on me.  But yes now I'm on 20 hours a week spread over 5 days, which is pathetically annoying thank fuck i'm not travelling on the train anymore as I would more broke than I am already. But I can't cope doing such little hours I'm a man who likes to work hard and play hard, I'm used to working 45+ not 20. This is all concluding to my decision to leave a job I absolutely adore and progress in a new career outside of retail. I feel like I've hit a wall in retail and I can't progress any further, I need to focus on a real career plan and real job with a decent wage so I can start to sort out a pension, savings and debt clearance. I have hopefully lined up a job working in an insurance company with an amazing growth and career opportunities, which will begin the start of "real" life again. I'm looking forward to having my own roof over my head again something I haven't had in well over a year now. I have my fingers crossed for this change as I think it will better me in more ways than one I hope. The only reason I've stayed in my current job so much is down to a certain 4 people I work with I won't name names but two are from my department the others are sales floor a but those people are full heart, I hope to leave with them as my friends and stay in regular contact especially a certain someone but still I'm not naming names. Yes I try and be mysterious (I've most likely failed). But all i've ever wanted from live is steadiness which is harder than first anticipated, but I'm willing to get this even it takes me 10 years. Talk about will power hah.

James

Stranded on News Years Day

Well... 


Late afternoon I got a message from a lovely girl at work inviting me to a party in North London. I kindly accepted the invitation and went about quickly tarting myself up. Anyway as events unfolded the party was a success and eventually it was it 2:15am and it was time for me to leave and catch the train back home. 


I found my way back to Finsbury Park station fairly swiftly and was standing at platform 5 by 2:25am, The last train of the night was due at 2:41 so I felt pretty safe that I'd catch at be home by 3am. As the train approached I noticed it was rather full but I cast this aside as I've been on full trains before. As the doors opened I then realised the train was over packed with people squashed in every corner possible. I then proceeded to go up to every carriage door and try and board the train with my luck depleting I tried forcing myself in the last carriage, where as I tried to board a man from amongst the crowd reached through pushed me off whilst laughing in a cynical manor, very shortly after the train doors closed and left. The train left supports a carriage full of laughter at my misfortune. I wasn't the only one left on the platform there was a two others around my age and a family of 3. The platform conductor kindly asked us all to leave the station as it was going to close til 6:45. 


As I stood outside the station trying to gather my thought and work out my next plan of action. ( I should mention my iPhone died around 2:30 so I had no way of contacting anyone)  I stared aimlessly and lost at the night bus time table trying to work out where I should go. As I read I heard this drunk man attempting to insult me by constantly calling me a "mummy's boy" I replied a blunt "What the fuck are you on about" he instantly changed his tone and became all friendly and asked me how my News Year went, I told him about how good but it had been slightly ruined by what just happened with the train. He felt immediately sorry for me and offered his apologies, He promptly told that I shouldn't wait outside Finsbury Park station as its a little dodgy, I agreed. 


He asked me where I was going and I said Hatfield, his face at that moment was priceless he couldn't believe I was that far away from home, He then introduced himself as "Ant" He then came up with a plan to get me on a night bus that would take me as north as possible. With my poor knowledge of the London bus network I obliged and he Ant made sure I got on a night bus that went to Enfield. I boarded the bus and waved good bye to Ant.


I settle down on the lower deck of the night bus and drifted of into a state of fatigue and restlessness. About 40 minutes later I arrived in Enfield as I exited the bus I noticed it area was deserted as I wondered the streets alone I saw a sign for Enfield Chase station I made my way to the station to also find that this station was also closed and the next train was well after 7am, I decided to walk to Enfield's other station and when I arrived there guess what? yeah same story... I some how had a brain wave and thought to myself "Get back to Kings Cross" as the first trains of the day always depart from there. I proceeded to find a bus stop where a night bus stopped, to my luck there was a night bus that stopped at Mornington Crescent, The bus finally came and I again resumed my state of fatigue I took a small nap and woke up just as the bus announced it was at Mornington Crescent. I departed and went on my way.


I luckily knew exactly where I was after spending a lot of time round the area after working in the area a few years back, as I made my way down a cold road to Kings Cross station. Soon enough I found myself walking through St. Pancras Station to keep warm, I found out I wasn't alone, the whole station had been turned into what looked like a refugee camp with tired tourists and groups of friends huddled together for warmth . I walked through the crowds of people still determined to get to Kings Cross and out of blue I noticed Costa was open! this to me was heaven, I quickly dashed in and joined the queue and bought myself a mocha, This mocha would then become my saviour it kept me warm and awake for the rest of the night. 


I finally arrived outside Kings Cross to find out it was closed, by this time it was around 4:45am, I took camp against a pillar with the rest of the crowds and proceeded to wait until the station opened. 30 minutes passed until the station opened I took seat and waited until the first train to be called. The first train was set to depart at 6:38am I waited until 6:20 until I decided to go to my platform  making sure I wasn't going to be miss it. Eventually around 6:30 the train doors opened and I boarded my body came over with a sense of completion and satisfaction that all my waiting had finally paid off and I was going home. I made myself comfortable for the slow journey home back to Hertfordshire. After a few minutes a man decided to sit in front of me he looked to like a security guard he proceeded to take off his ID passes and work keys he then started to rummage through his rucksack he then pulled a JD & Cola in a Can and began to drink it, he offered me his other one but I declined I wished him a Happy New Year I then swiftly fell asleep. 


The train finally arrived at my station around 7:20am I then embarked on my short walk back to my fathers flat. I finally set foot through the door at 7:35am. I then fell on to the sofa in a pile of exhaustion and within around 10 minuets I was finally asleep.


This is now the second time I've gotten stranded in a large city but I always say to myself "you will get home just don't stop"  These little hiccups are a brilliant in a you get to see some right characters you appreciate the people who want to help you but you also witness that some people are cruel and pathetic and have no care for their fellow man. 


Hopes you've enjoyed my little ordeal.


James